Fill-in-the-blank form letters

Lately, Shannon’s brother Jan has been talking about the need lobby politicians about issues of concern to him. A noble goal, to be sure. So, among other things, Shannon and I are giving him a stack of form letters and whimsically decorated envelopes (think dollar store kitten stickers, and Stephen Harper’s head with fangs drawn on in Photoshop). Here’s the letter:

Dear Mr. Harper,

As a long-time (circle one)

  • environmental scientist
  • Montréal anglophone
  • civil rights enthusiast
  • faux-fur wearer
  • kitten lover

it is with growing concern that I have watched your government’s policies towards (circle one)

  • the environment
  • Québec separatism
  • same-sex couples
  • baby seals
  • kittens

change since taking office. When campaigning in January 2006, you clearly stated that resolving this issue was an important plank in your platform, and that you understood how the growing problem of (circle one)

  • climate change
  • Québec nationalism
  • religious fundamentalism
  • seal clubbing
  • kitten eating

affected the daily lives of all Canadians. I must now conclude from your current statements to the media that (circle one)

  • greenhouse gas emissions
  • recent patriotic québécois films
  • right-wing televangelists
  • dead baby seals
  • live kitten sacrifices

are no longer a pressing concern for your government. Mr. Harper, Canadians from coast to coast to coast need a strong legislative presence from Ottawa to ensure that (circle one)

  • global warming
  • French
  • Evangelical Christians
  • a threatened PETA boycott
  • needlessly violent kitten death

does not pose an even greater threat to our everyday lives. Polls across the nation agree: your constituents believe that without immediate action on your part, their ability to (circle one)

  • downhill ski
  • drive from Ontario to New Brunswick
  • practice free love
  • visit vegan friends in Scandinavia
  • purchase fur coats with fewer blood stains

will be even more drastically reduced than it already is. We urge you to reconsider at this crucial time. Please, Mr. Harper, think of (circle one)

  • the children
  • the anglophones
  • someone other than your electoral base
  • bleeding-hearted Swedes
  • my drycleaning bills

and show that you have the compassion to change your mind and our country! Now more than ever, the world’s (circle one)

  • polar bears
  • English speakers
  • embattled minorities
  • photogenic aquatic mammals
  • terrestrial young of the Kingdom Animalia

need our full support. Many thanks for your attention to these matters, and I look forward to your prompt response.

Sincerely yours,

Jan F.,

concerned citizen